If You Give a Woman a Floor Tile

Humor

By Cindy Argiento

If you have kids or grandkids, then you’re probably familiar with the children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,” by Laura Joffe Numeroff. The book demonstrates how giving a mouse a cookie leads to a chain-link series of events. Today I’m writing my own version of the book which I’ve titled, “If You Give a Woman a Floor Tile.”

Page one – my husband suggests we rip up our bathroom floor and replace it with tile. (He said it would be quick and easy.) We go to the home improvement store and pick a tile. I (the woman in the story) hold the tile lovingly in my hands.

Page two – at home, holding the tile, I realize our
existing vanity will not match and needs to be redone. I discuss it with my husband. So, man and woman make a second trip to the home improvement store. We buy a faucet and hardware to make our old vanity look new.

Page three – looking at our new and improved vanity, I realize our old light fixture now sticks out like a sore thumb. On the third trip to the store, I carry a coupon and sales staff hail my name upon entry.

Page four – I get carried away and I request the toilet handle be replaced to match the gold in the new shower curtain I have yet to buy.

Page five – My husband takes a nap while I shop for new linens for the bathroom. The man needs his rest because he used all his energy to yell at me when I asked, “Do you know what you’re doing?” (Only I can’t write what he said as such language is prohibited in children’s books and magazines.) The man has worked himself into an exhausted state of frenzy. It’s sad. (Since much had to be edited out, my book will now be a condensed version.)

Page six – reenergized and shopping for bathroom paint, I come across a lovely shade for the kitchen, which I determine is in need of a makeover.

Page seven, last and final page – (I would have written ten pages, but remember, pages had to be edited out due to foul language.) Looking at the paint reminds me the kitchen floor needs to be replaced with tile.

And chances are if you give a woman a floor tile ….

Cindy Argiento is a freelance writer. She is a public speaker for her book “Deal With Life’s Stress With ‘A Little Humor.’“ To contact her or to book her for your next event, go to cargiento@nullaol.com.

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