A Humorous Look at Growing Older


By Cindy Argiento

My son clipped a Polident coupon and gave it to me. I don’t know why but I saved it. The magazine Arthritis Today, arrived in the mail. I don’t know why, but I read it. My last doctor’s visit he would frequently utter the words, “Someone your age …” He looked like he should be playing little league. I don’t know why, but I wanted to hurt him. Celebrated my birthday in a restaurant at the same time a senior citizen convention was held. I felt happy and I knew why.

Some people accept growing older graciously, and some people fight it tooth-and-nail. However you may feel about growing older, we all have to face the facts. And the fact is: things change. 

  • Things such as getting out of bed in the morning has become your physical workout for the day.
  • Dyeing your hair is no longer done to make a fashion statement, but is rather a necessity.
  • Good support means more than just moral support.
  • Clean pipes has two meanings, and Drano can only be used to unclog one of them.
  • Vicks and BENGAY make a pleasant scent when used together – you don’t know why somebody hasn’t already bottled it.
  • You have a child in elementary school and one in college. You forget about the one in college, as you don’t look old enough to have a kid in college.
  • Suddenly, you watch with interest commercials about Depends undergarments.
  • Dressing “sexy” now means pulling your hair back so your earlobes show.
  • After dinner mints have been replaced by Extra Strength Tums, nightly.
  • Spare tire – not just found in your car anymore.
  • You take offense at someone playing loud music. Then you take offense at the same person, as they don’t speak loudly enough for you to hear.
  • Exercise doesn’t energize you the way it used to do. You lie down on the floor to do sit-ups and you fall asleep. (I swear, I was asleep no more than a minute before my husband found me.)
  • Gazing into your loved ones eyes requires you to put on your glasses.
  • The words “what” and “where” make up a large part of your vocabulary. “Hey, kid, what is your name? I know you live here; I’m going to remember it eventually.” “Now where did I park the car?”
  • Beverages such as Metamucil and prune juice have become your drink of choice. You believe every restaurant should have them listed on the menu.
  • You’ve accepted the fact that an iron can’t remove all wrinkles – some wrinkles aren’t just found on your clothes.
  • Realizing you’re talking to yourself isn’t as scary as it used to be. Happily, you carry on the conversation as there is no one for you to get into an argument with.
  • The sad part about growing older is when your husband looks into your eyes and says, ”Let’s go to bed early tonight.” What he really means is, let’s go to sleep – early tonight. The saddest part, however, is you know what he means and you’re so happy, you could cry.

Cindy Argiento is a freelance writer. She is a public speaker for her book “Deal With Life’s Stress With ‘A Little Humor.’” To contact her or to book her for your next event, go to cargiento@nullaol.com.


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